Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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