Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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