I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
