Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
