meet me or not, i'm out of control
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
