Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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