I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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