You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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