I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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