i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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