Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
