can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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