Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I faked an abortion last night.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
