Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
