allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
