i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
