but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
