So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
