My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
