I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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