I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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