All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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