Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
