Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
