im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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