Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
