we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize