So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
