In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
