I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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