Midget sex pt 2 tonight
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
