Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
