apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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