I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
