yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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