I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
