dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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