She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
