you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
