highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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