Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
