I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
