Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
