Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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