I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
