how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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