you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
