I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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