I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
