Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
