he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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