As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
