You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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