broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
