i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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