I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
