bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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