You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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