i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
