Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
