If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
