at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
