fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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