You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need a burrito and a hug.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
