yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
