well most of my day revolves around power hour
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
