This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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