There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
