I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
