My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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