Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
