I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
