hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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