I think I just saw someone hide a body.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
