I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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