i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
