I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize