i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
